


At the dawn of spring

by chajatta



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Established Relationship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, frank discussions of sporting injury, pre-worlds 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 08:48:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18279776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chajatta/pseuds/chajatta
Summary: “Training not so good today,” Yuzuru starts. He shakes his head. “Training really bad.” Yuzuru catches sight of himself on the screen. His smile looks more like a grimace than anything else.“Do you want to tell me about it?”Does he? What Yuzuru wants is for his ankle to be better, to win worlds, to skate without pain. What Yuzuru really wants is Javi here beside him, not three thousand miles and an entire ocean away. Unfortunately, life has taught Yuzuru that he doesn’t always get what he wants.





	At the dawn of spring

**Author's Note:**

> Alternatively titled: "Javier why are you like this"
> 
> Inspired by Yuzuru's comments about Javi in the Saitama Worlds guidebook (? programme?). I actually wrote the first two hundred words of this when that translation was revealed. Then Worlds happened and I was too sad to finish it. I considered dropping it but then I realised I was being an idiot and silver is still an incredible achievement, so here we go. I'm proud of you, Yuzu.
> 
> eyes emoji @ hacker-san
> 
> Work will be locked after five days.

_I was injured this season but have been supported by the daily encouragement of Javier Fernandez. […] Javier’s thrilling performance (at the European Championships) made me want to be stronger, too. […] I will do my best to pay back everyone for their support._  
                                   - Yuzuru Hanyu, Worlds '19 Guidebook

If it were at all possible for one to ice their ankle angrily, Yuzuru thinks he might be the master, now.

The chill seeps all the way down to his bones, numbing, and Yuzuru should be grateful for it, grateful that it takes away the worst of the pain, but he’s not. He’s not grateful at all.

Practice had been awful today. Yuzuru is finally jumping again, after what felt like years but what can only have been a month, maybe two, of being restricted to stroking exercises and off ice training. It had felt great, at first, liberating, to be allowed to throw himself across the ice, trusting his body to catch him.

Except Yuzuru can’t trust his body, and therein lies his problem.

His laptop pings on the coffee table, lighting up as Skype alerts him to an incoming call. Yuzuru doesn’t even need to check the caller ID. He knows what time it is, he knows who’s calling. Yuzuru leans forward to pull his laptop into his lap and even that simple movement makes his ankle twinge.

Yuzuru sniffs and accepts the call.

“Hey, baby.”

Despite his dark mood, Yuzuru feels his lips twitch into a small smile. Even at his lowest, Javi has always been able to cheer him up.

“Hello, Javi. Where is Effie?”

Javi laughs and disappears from shot for a moment. When he returns, it’s with Effie under his arm, her whole countenance grumpy and unimpressed. Yuzuru coos.

“There she is. My favourite. Only reason we talk, so I see favourite cat.”

“I guess I’d be more upset if I didn’t already know it’s true.” Javi puts Effie down and she clambers over his lap, eyes and nose taking over the screen as she moves closer to the camera. “Hey, you know who that is, mi princesa? Do you recognise that voice?”

Effie yowls, loud and sudden. Yuzuru covers his mouth as he laughs.

“So much noisy, Effie. I miss you, too. I hope you treating her good, Javi.”

Javi scratches Effie between the ears, smiling fondly.

“She gets tuna for dinner twice a week, of course I’m treating her well.” She loses interest in the webcam and Yuzuru watches as she wanders away, tail curling as she settles half out of shot on the end of Javi’s bed. “How about you? Are you treating yourself well, Yuzu?”

The Yuzuru of two, three seasons ago wouldn’t have answered that question. He would have deflected, refusing to tell Javi about his injuries or his mental state, his fears. But that was then and Yuzuru likes to think he’s grown up at least a little in the years that have passed. He’s trying to be more open and forthcoming, to trust more. He’s definitely a work in progress, and every day is a battle against his natural inclination to bottle things up, keep secrets, and do everything by himself, but he’s trying.

“Training not so good today,” Yuzuru starts. He shakes his head. “Training really bad.” Yuzuru catches sight of himself on the screen. His smile looks more like a grimace than anything else.

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

Does he? What Yuzuru wants is for his ankle to be better, to win worlds, to skate without pain. What Yuzuru really wants is Javi here beside him, not three thousand miles and an entire ocean away. Unfortunately, life has taught Yuzuru that he doesn’t always get what he wants.

“So hard. Brian making doing run-throughs for free and so tired after, whole body is shaking.” Yuzuru had done Origin three times today, one after the other after the other, and he’d been drenched with sweat by the end, training shirt stuck to his back, gasping for breath. That isn’t what’s troubling him, though, not really. His stamina is improving, slowly but surely, and he knows it’ll be fine when Worlds rolls around. Not where it should be, but fine.

Javi makes a sympathetic noise.

“Jumping is…” Yuzuru hesitates. “Quad Sal sometimes is there, sometimes is not. Toe loop isn’t- I can’t-“ He stops to gather himself, clear his throat. He can’t look at Javi. “Go to Saitama is one month. I thinking quads will be more easier now, or I hoping anyway. Instead just falling and pain in ankle. I thinking I- maybe I can’t do, this time. Maybe is too much.”

“Hey now,” Javi says. Yuzuru drags his eyes up. He might be far away, all the way in Madrid, but Javi has been there for every step of Yuzuru’s rehabilitation this season. He knows where Yuzuru’s at, how he’s feeling, what his plans are. It’s been nice, being able to rely on him like this, in a way that Yuzuru never could when they were competing against each other. But Javi also understands his mind better than almost anyone, and they both know it. “That’s not like you. What’s going on?” Yuzuru watches as he shifts closer to the screen. He’s been letting his facial hair grow, lately, and Yuzuru can barely see the line of his chin beneath it, now. “Yuzu, baby, talk to me.”

Yuzuru scowls at his ankle. The ice is starting to melt, dripping down onto the table. His mother is going to tell him off when she gets home if it leaves a mark on the wood.

“Is so much. Everyone working so hard to help me, help ankle get better. People at home not see me skating in Japan in so long, wanting to see me win gold, and I want too, of course I want. Want more than anything but I don’t know-“ Yuzuru swallows hard. Javi’s eyes are dark and soft as he watches Yuzuru speak. “I’m so scared I letting everyone down.”

“Listen to me right now,” Javi says, suddenly and surprisingly fierce. “You will never let anyone down. Look, forget whatever happens at Worlds for a minute, you will never, ever be letting anyone down. Okay?” Yuzuru doesn’t answer and Javi grumbles. “Okay?”

“Yes, okay,” Yuzuru sighs, “but-“

“No, no. No buts. Do you really think Brian and Tracy and Ghislain will be upset with you if you don’t win gold in Saitama? All anyone at Cricket wants is for you to be happy and healthy, the medals are just a bonus.”

“I know, but-“

“As for your fans back home,” Javi carries on, as though he hadn’t heard Yuzuru try to interrupt him. “Most of them will probably just be happy to see you at all, regardless of how you skate. Yeah, I’m sure they’d love to see you win gold on home ice, anyone would, but if that’s all they care about then they aren’t really your fan and you shouldn’t concern yourself with them. The only person you owe anything to in the entire world is yourself.”

Yuzuru sits quietly for a moment, thinking. Javi makes it sound so easy. But it always has been for him, though, the dark part of Yuzuru’s mind supplies. Javi never had the heavy weight of an expectant home country weighing on his shoulders, the dreams of millions resting solely on him. Whatever great things Javi has achieved, they have always been a plus, a nice surprise. For Yuzuru, anything short of perfection is a failure.

Then again, maybe he’s right. That was what Yuzuru had wanted at the start of this season, hadn’t he? To skate for himself. He’d made all those grand speeches about how that second gold in Pyeongchang had been all that mattered, that winning in Korea had released him from pressure, freed him to skate the programmes that he wanted, train new elements just for fun. But what is Yuzuru doing now? Allowing all of that pressure to flood back in, seeping into his blood and festering there like a disease.

“What about you?”

Javi looks startled. “What about me?”

“Javi retired, gone back to Spain to be with family, do own things, raise skating in home country. But still every day talking with me, checking condition, give advice. I have to be best, so not wasting Javi’s efforts.”

It’s hard to explain in English, how much Javi means to him. Yuzuru had been a little worried about what would happen when he left and it’s been hard, so hard, not having Javi around. Not being able to joke around with him at the club, go back to his place after a hard training session and fall asleep on his couch playing video games. Not having Javi around to kiss, to share secret little moments in the safe places they have created for themselves here in Toronto, has been tough. But they’ve made it work, Javi still providing Yuzuru with all of the support and encouragement and love he needs, even if it is from further away than either of them would like. Yuzuru knows Javi does it because he loves him. Javi stays up late or rearranges plans with his friends so that the two of them can talk when Yuzuru is feeling down, or lonely, or exhausted, because he cares. Javi doesn’t do it because he wants Yuzuru to win more medals, or set more world records, and yet still Yuzuru can’t stand the thought of letting Javi down. Of all the people in his life Yuzuru doesn’t ever want to disappoint, Javi is somewhere very close to the top.

Javi seems to get it, though, even if his smile does look a little sad.

“You could finish off the podium at Worlds and I’d still be proud of you,” Javi says. Yuzuru balks at just the _thought_ of it. “You could fail to qualify for the free and I’d still tell the whole world, ‘you see that man, there, that’s my boyfriend, and he’s the best skater there ever was.’”

“Javi, please,” Yuzuru whines, covering his face with his hands. “Don’t say this things. Fate listens.”

Javi laughs, low and tender. “All that matters to me is your happiness. Yuzuru, mi corazón, you’re doing your best every single day, and that’s all that matters to me.”

“I miss you,” Yuzuru says, muffled behind his hands. He hears Javi sigh and Yuzuru chances a peek through his fingers.

“I know. I miss you, too. More than I can even say. But I believe in you, okay, Yuzu? You’re working hard, you’re doing your best. It’s going to come good. Just trust yourself, and your team. Trust your training and it won’t let you down.”

“Trust your training,” Yuzuru scoffs. “Javi sound just like Brian.”

They both laugh, then. Javi rubs a hand over the back of his neck. “I’m going to say that to all of my kids when I become a coach, trust your training. I bet none of them is gonna believe me, huh?”

Yuzuru smiles. “They will.” He pauses. “I do.”

“Good. That’s good,” Javi says. “And listen, whatever happens, after Worlds, we’ll celebrate together just the two of us, okay? My manager says the federation are booking my plane tickets this weekend. We’ll have some time before I have to go to Osaka.”

“Okay.” Yuzuru licks his lips, determined now more than ever to put out the best version of himself that he can, one that Javi can be rightly proud of. “I can’t wait to see you.”

“Me too. Oh baby, me too, like you wouldn’t believe. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again. When I see you I’m going to kiss you everywhere.”

Yuzuru feels his entire body tingle. “Yeah?” Yuzuru asks, trying and failing to sound unaffected, as if just the thought of it, those words coming from Javi’s mouth, doesn’t make him feel hot all over. “Is it a promise?”

“It’s a promise.”

Yuzuru beams.

“There’s the beautiful smile I want to see,” Javi teases. Yuzuru immediately purses his lips, wiping it playfully from his face. “Ah, you treat me so coldly, Yuzu.” Javi moves to stand, lifting his laptop so that he doesn’t disappear from frame. He’s wearing a pair of Real Madrid football shorts and Yuzuru allows himself to enjoy the view before it’s snatched away. “Do you have some time?”

Yuzuru checks his phone. It’s only just gone five, not too late at all, not for Javi. “Mm, it’s just me. Mama won’t be home for hour, maybe.”

“I’m gonna go make some dinner. Do you want to stick around? You could watch. I can give you all the gossip about my cousin Sofía’s new boyfriend; he’s very muscly, just your type.”

Javi’s eyes twinkle with mischief and Yuzuru nods, without a hint of hesitation. He loves to spend time with Javi like this, existing together and sharing in each other’s lives, even though they’re so far apart. Javi says something to Effie in Spanish and she jumps off the bed, padding after Javi as he moves through the house. Javi sets his laptop up on the kitchen counter, shifting it until Yuzuru has a perfect view, and if this isn’t ideal, if Yuzuru might wish he were sat at Javi’s kitchen table talking to him instead, helping him to peel potatoes and beat eggs, at least getting to be with him in some way is close enough to perfect for Yuzuru.

He feels warm and happy, loved, the dark cloud lingering over him banished for now. Yuzuru still has doubts, and fears, but Javi was right, he just needs to trust. In himself and those around him, and it’s that, Yuzuru thinks, as he watches Javi lift Effie off the counter for the third time, laughing and exasperated, that trust, that will see him through.


End file.
